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I don’t know if I would say I've been feeling stretched lately. I don’t know why it feels easier to sleep away problems and the world until someone gives me a shove to fix it. I won’t even list out my tasks – there’s just too many. A couple days ago, I finally finished that job Dino’s dad gave me. I really liked being with him - whenever we spoke, he had something to teach me. I’ve come to think of him as, a little bit, like a father. I felt bad for a little bit but there’s no replacing what never was in the first place. I didn’t ask for him to be this for me. Especially after a multitude of people I’d tried looking up to have simply given up on me, I wasn’t going to press and try to find something that wasn’t being offered or wouldn’t be sustained. But he just put himself there. For me.
Girls need fathers too is the truth of it I guess. A little part of my soul weeps and heals whenever he insists on a hug; it doesn’t disgust me or make my skin itch as such an action from my parents felt like. I can’t even imagine the motion in my mind before my brain is shrieking “FORGET” and clawing away from the memory. Dino tells me I’ve been officially “not-’dopted.” I don’t know if I feel like part of a family necessarily yet but I’m not going anywhere anytime soon if I can help it. Actually, I’m so used to drifting in and out of people’s lives, potential friends and even family members, that I’m scared it will go away somehow.
Back when my parents had us doing jiu-jitsu (I insisted on starting a martial art because I was convinced it would make me happier somehow), we went so rarely. The first few weeks, or even the first couple months were great. We were semi-consistent and I was getting to know people. But then we started going less and less - and I just didn’t want to go during days where my depression was overbearing or I was tired from an all-nighter. My shame grew with every sparse visit. I was 18 at the time and the kids… YOUNG ADULTS my age went away for college and such and so I was stuck wrassling with the 5-8 yr olds. This, on top of feeling fat and weak (I am not fat, I’m actually quite small but I have a very curvy body type - in which, a gi just isn’t suited to fit properly) made me feel ashamed beyond words. I told them I wanted to quit. Later on, I was called ungrateful and unwilling to make friends. Actually, I think I was genuinely manipulated or gaslit in that conversation but.. whatever.
I got lost in my memories. Bad memories. I wanted to write something nice to encourage myself to do something productive tomorrow. Warm milk. That’s nice, I love warm milk. I have some next to me right now. Dino’s brother and his wife gave me flowers for my birthday (I’m 20 now!) which are also on my desk – they’re dying, but they smell lovely still. Maybe what I need to do to get out of this mental funk is go to church. Dino and I haven’t been going because, well, we’ve been busy. We both just moved into this new apartment and she got promoted and is doing way too many hours and I’ve been job searching and working for her Dad. Maybe I should tell her that I want to prioritize that, or maybe even…. Her parents do this odd thing where, instead of going to a traditional church, they all meet up at someone’s house in their group and have an hours-long Bible study along a plan. There’s no pastor or anything to my knowledge. I don’t think it’s bad or anything, it sounds great for community actually, but it does sound overwhelming. Maybe I should ask them if they can pick me up to bring me over next Saturday - I don’t think they’d mind. Her Dad said he wants to help. This would help.
I’ll think about it. I’ll ask Dino about it tomorrow and go from there – or maybe I won’t. She’s been a bit of a mother hen for me, which is fine and I most certainly don’t know what I’m doing 90% of the time, but I kind of want to do some things myself. I want to help myself, not get permission. Sometimes I feel mentally younger than I think I ought to be…
Back to milk. Warm milk. My favourite memory of my mother has to do with warm milk, but I won’t transcribe it since it will make me sad. But it is my favourite memory.
Oh, hey, I also got a response to one of my job applications! I think that’s a big reason I’ve been in such a funk actually - I spent a while applying and just didn’t get any responses. EVERYONE has ghosted me except for the hiring manager at Starbucks just yesterday. I emailed him back today, after having my response peer reviewed by two people. This is great. If I can work part-time at a job that will get me in front of people and working with others, that would be great. I just hope I don’t fuss up the interview. It was hard to keep applying when I felt like my effort was just hitting some sort of corporate brick wall, so this is nice.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll write a blog post about something I’ve come to realize about myself - something that’s been impressed upon me by Dino’s Dad and, weirdly, a kid’s show. Don’t hold me to it though, I don’t know what tomorrow brings.
This article was last edited 7 hours, 43 minutes ago